Inner Smile
Jan. 15th, 2008 09:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
suzyscottdotcomOne of the more difficult things to do in everyday life is to remain calm. Some of you point out how calm I look in numerous circumstances, especially when all around may well have lost the head. There is an inner calm, which sometimes isn’t that easy for me to find. Sometimes it is the complete opposite to how I may look (which may also partly explain why I don’t always have a smile on my face, when I am happy). Monday night (after bed) for example. My mind decided that, rather than let me sleep, it would go through the evening’s events, and decide on little things that I could complain about. I really didn’t see the point. I could feel myself getting upset and angry about little things.
I remember vividly when growing up, how my dad could quite often lose control of what was going on in his head or his hands. Quite often, he’d get very upset over little things. I’m trying not to get like that. (Perhaps the lack of testosterone now will help me, but as you can see, it’s not a way out, not by any means).
These are all side-effects of what I have to ‘look forward’ to in years to come. I’m not medically qualified to decide or decipher what’s going on in my, but the coincidences continue to mount up. Some of them have been ongoing in my body for several months/years. Some even predate my transition. I’m trying to understate them rather than get worked up about it.
OK, so my life is now the best of a bad lot. I’ve fought many things, and conquered several times. I’ll continue as long as I can. I’m writing about this now, largely for the memories, if I can look back when the time comes that I cannot control my own destiny.
Having said what I’ve done, I’m going to try and be as happy and positive over the coming weeks and months. Tomorrow is the start of my 29th year on this earth. Caroline & I have been verbally planning the next few months, and assuming all goes to plan, we will continue together, very happy. If I’d been on my own at this point, I doubt I would have survived, or even made it here.
I remember vividly when growing up, how my dad could quite often lose control of what was going on in his head or his hands. Quite often, he’d get very upset over little things. I’m trying not to get like that. (Perhaps the lack of testosterone now will help me, but as you can see, it’s not a way out, not by any means).
These are all side-effects of what I have to ‘look forward’ to in years to come. I’m not medically qualified to decide or decipher what’s going on in my, but the coincidences continue to mount up. Some of them have been ongoing in my body for several months/years. Some even predate my transition. I’m trying to understate them rather than get worked up about it.
OK, so my life is now the best of a bad lot. I’ve fought many things, and conquered several times. I’ll continue as long as I can. I’m writing about this now, largely for the memories, if I can look back when the time comes that I cannot control my own destiny.
Having said what I’ve done, I’m going to try and be as happy and positive over the coming weeks and months. Tomorrow is the start of my 29th year on this earth. Caroline & I have been verbally planning the next few months, and assuming all goes to plan, we will continue together, very happy. If I’d been on my own at this point, I doubt I would have survived, or even made it here.
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no subject
Date: 2008-01-16 11:44 am (UTC)You've done a lot already in your life, and I expect you've got a lot more to contribute. Happy birthday, and here's to hoping that your 29th year will turn out to be an excellent vintage.
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Date: 2008-01-16 02:22 pm (UTC)Thanks Sylvia!
It will be difficult to beat the year just gone, but I'd like to try it...! ;-)