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suzyscottdotcomIt’s been days, weeks since I had my last set of upsets. The last few weeks has really gone well, but yesterday was something different.
C woke me up early, with a suggestion for the weekend. Nothing wrong in that, but my mind objected. I was upset. Went to work, calmed down a bit. Came home, felt very anxious and upset on the way home.
C came home after her work, and I was upset. We started talking… and later in the evening, everything just poured out. By this point, I had made it clear to C (or at least, tried to) that this had not been her doing, I just needed to cry. This was for every time I should have not made a connection, but did. This is for every time things have worked, when maybe they shouldn’t have. This is for all the roadkill and accidents I passed the previous Saturday. This is for every extra minute lost travelling on late journeys this year. This is for everything that went wrong. This is for all the tears I’ve had in my ear over the phone at work. This was for all the tears I’d not shed, when maybe I should have done. There was no real reason for it by this point, it was just the way things had gone. I spluttered and choked quite a bit, requiring almost half-a-dozen shots of the blue inhaler by this point.
So, why did I feel this way? Don’t quite know. I occasionally got those before transition. I got those before when depressed. I get these now and then with HRT and stuff. The headache just would not go away, and my head was spinning. It had passed a bit by early evening, but still no-where as good as I would have liked. OK, so the plans that we had would have meant not having this quiet time with C, last weekend before her holidays. So, it may have helped just tip the balance, but by the end of the night, it was irrelevant.
Today, is ok. Quiet, relaxing. Now.
C came home after her work, and I was upset. We started talking… and later in the evening, everything just poured out. By this point, I had made it clear to C (or at least, tried to) that this had not been her doing, I just needed to cry. This was for every time I should have not made a connection, but did. This is for every time things have worked, when maybe they shouldn’t have. This is for all the roadkill and accidents I passed the previous Saturday. This is for every extra minute lost travelling on late journeys this year. This is for everything that went wrong. This is for all the tears I’ve had in my ear over the phone at work. This was for all the tears I’d not shed, when maybe I should have done. There was no real reason for it by this point, it was just the way things had gone. I spluttered and choked quite a bit, requiring almost half-a-dozen shots of the blue inhaler by this point.
So, why did I feel this way? Don’t quite know. I occasionally got those before transition. I got those before when depressed. I get these now and then with HRT and stuff. The headache just would not go away, and my head was spinning. It had passed a bit by early evening, but still no-where as good as I would have liked. OK, so the plans that we had would have meant not having this quiet time with C, last weekend before her holidays. So, it may have helped just tip the balance, but by the end of the night, it was irrelevant.
Today, is ok. Quiet, relaxing. Now.
