My bank hol weekend so far - an outpouring of feelings

[suzyscottdotcom]

It’s been days, weeks since I had my last set of upsets. The last few weeks has really gone well, but yesterday was something different.

C woke me up early, with a suggestion for the weekend. Nothing wrong in that, but my mind objected. I was upset. Went to work, calmed down a bit. Came home, felt very anxious and upset on the way home.

C came home after her work, and I was upset. We started talking… and later in the evening, everything just poured out. By this point, I had made it clear to C (or at least, tried to) that this had not been her doing, I just needed to cry. This was for every time I should have not made a connection, but did. This is for every time things have worked, when maybe they shouldn’t have. This is for all the roadkill and accidents I passed the previous Saturday. This is for every extra minute lost travelling on late journeys this year. This is for everything that went wrong. This is for all the tears I’ve had in my ear over the phone at work. This was for all the tears I’d not shed, when maybe I should have done. There was no real reason for it by this point, it was just the way things had gone. I spluttered and choked quite a bit, requiring almost half-a-dozen shots of the blue inhaler by this point.

So, why did I feel this way? Don’t quite know. I occasionally got those before transition. I got those before when depressed. I get these now and then with HRT and stuff. The headache just would not go away, and my head was spinning. It had passed a bit by early evening, but still no-where as good as I would have liked. OK, so the plans that we had would have meant not having this quiet time with C, last weekend before her holidays. So, it may have helped just tip the balance, but by the end of the night, it was irrelevant.

Today, is ok. Quiet, relaxing. Now.

Comments

[elaine4queen.livejournal.com]

sorry to hear you are having the horrids. you know althought there are probably plenty of hormonal reasons and other emotional reasons to do with transition that could spark off feelings like that, i feel like that sometimes too. and my recent horror anxiety attack led me to get chlopromazine which i found really helpful as an off switch. it is not a great drug to take all the time but fantastic to have in your armoury for when the going gets too tough and it is unproductive to carry on emoting. what i did was go on regular doses for a couple of weeks til i felt like i was safe to come off and now i am on one half dose a day and will probably come off in a couple of days. but i will be keeping some handy, that's for sure.

[suzyscottdotcom.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the kind words Elaine *hugs*

Oh, and I will mention it to the doctor, as I will need to go see him this week.

Sxxx

[elaine4queen.livejournal.com]

my pleasure.

and worth a shot. it's non addictive, so i don't know why it's not prescribed as a first line of defence. it's off-patent so no drug reps are pushing it to the doctors and it got a bit of a reputation as the 'liquid kosh' because they use it to pacify prisoners. it really is like an off switch, so you don't get a stoned feeling and you wouldn't want to take it all the time, but it certainly has a use value. i don't sleep well, so one of the side effects that is actually ok for me but not for everyone is that it does tend to make you sleep. it can make you a bit constipated as well, but i had been having a bit more of the opposite problem, so again, no problem for me.

[suzyscottdotcom.livejournal.com]

I've heard the term 'koshed up'... but I didn't quite click until you mentioned it.

Don't quite know how it would work with all the other meds I am on... but I can try.

[elaine4queen.livejournal.com]

at least worth mentioning to the doc. s/he might have some objection but mine had none, and i did wonder why i wasn't offered it sooner.

[suzyscottdotcom.livejournal.com]

Yes, I shall mention it to him. If I can pronounce it!

Many thanks,
Sxxx