Feelings of hopelessness from the weekend
Feb. 8th, 2009 05:25 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
suzyscottdotcomFriday night, and I was deep in thought. I felt really bad – not because of love – purely because of health, or lack of. The way people have seen me for so long (even pre-transition) is a major obstacle for me (several issues since with voice, but you can’t really explain staggering or stumbling as easily).
That’s why I thought I couldn’t carry on. The previous time I had a genuine suicidal feeling, I could tell that it was the pills change, not me. This time, my head was clear – I have a number of issues that will get worse in time, and it’s upsetting to think up all the details to it.
So, Friday night wasn’t as much fun as it might have been – and into the next day, as I felt the same into the morning.
I’ve had the phone off for several days, but now returning to “normal” mode. Unusually, no mail at all for either of us on Saturday, so not a lot else to talk about.
Having said that, there have been some very positive experiences with C and me since then.
There’s another bit of news I had this week, which I have to keep under wraps for now. However, I’m not entirely sure how to take it. It seems good, and if it’s good for those involved too, then I can’t see anything wrong with the idea. As to where I fit into it all, I’ve no idea, yet.
That’s why I thought I couldn’t carry on. The previous time I had a genuine suicidal feeling, I could tell that it was the pills change, not me. This time, my head was clear – I have a number of issues that will get worse in time, and it’s upsetting to think up all the details to it.
So, Friday night wasn’t as much fun as it might have been – and into the next day, as I felt the same into the morning.
I’ve had the phone off for several days, but now returning to “normal” mode. Unusually, no mail at all for either of us on Saturday, so not a lot else to talk about.
Having said that, there have been some very positive experiences with C and me since then.
There’s another bit of news I had this week, which I have to keep under wraps for now. However, I’m not entirely sure how to take it. It seems good, and if it’s good for those involved too, then I can’t see anything wrong with the idea. As to where I fit into it all, I’ve no idea, yet.
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no subject
Date: 2009-02-08 05:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-08 06:00 pm (UTC)*hugs*
Sxxx
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Date: 2009-02-08 06:04 pm (UTC)here is a link to cambridge buddhist centre http://www.cambridgebuddhistcentre.com/
they do a course http://www.cambridgebuddhistcentre.com/events/event_details.php?eid=1946 which will give you the same tools i have for stress, depression, and pain management. more or less. if you like it you could do the breathworks course too, as i notice they now do it, but this one starts soonest, and in broad strokes they are similar, though i know many people including myself end up doing both to cover all their needs and to get a top up.
i couldn't recommend these courses highly enough, and if there is anywhere where you should meet a non judgemental crowd, it's the buddhists.
(both courses i mention are secular though they use buddhist tools and will teach you meditation)
no subject
Date: 2009-02-08 07:26 pm (UTC)We've been having a look at the CBC website following this link, and we also found another group this side of the Herts-Cambs border in Letchworth/Hitchin. We're going to have a look into it... C's done all this stuff ten years ago, but it's new to me.
Sometimes I can't sit too still, but I'd be willing to give it a go - at least to try a little to start off with.
Thanks,
S&C xxx
no subject
Date: 2009-02-08 07:33 pm (UTC)i would suggest that you try guided meditations at home first if you feel uncomfortable with the idea of it. starting with the body scan, then if you like that, the mindfulness of breathing, and then the kindly awareness. i still listen to all of them, particularly the body scan at home.
http://breathworks-mindfulness.org.uk/resources/living-well-with-pain-and-illness-testimonials.html
the book goes into a lot of detail and would be well worth you getting. i am afraid i bought it at amazon where it is cheaper. they also sell the cds.
it is good to go to the most local thing, particularly if they are doing any of the secular courses, if you are not interested in buddhism as such. all the courses that have come out of the FWBO stable are good and would be totally worth your while doing.
no subject
Date: 2009-02-08 07:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-09 11:34 am (UTC)Keep watching, as it's something I would seriously like to do.
I told you that C considers herself to be a lapsed Buddhist, didn't I?
no subject
Date: 2009-02-09 11:37 am (UTC)i can send you the bodyscan via yousendit if you would like?
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Date: 2009-02-09 11:52 am (UTC)Sxxx
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Date: 2009-02-09 12:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-09 02:44 pm (UTC)Sxxx
no subject
Date: 2009-02-09 03:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-08 07:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-09 11:36 am (UTC)Kind regards,
Suzy
no subject
Date: 2009-02-08 10:42 pm (UTC)There's some people on my flist who write a thousand words of "emo" about really trivial things (in comparison) - you're made of stronger stuff.
And sorry for not texting to say thanks for the Arriva stuff :-)
no subject
Date: 2009-02-09 11:37 am (UTC)We posted the envelope of Arriva stuff on the way home from The Rosie on Friday, and your box is leaving today via DHL.
Re the other happenings... thanks for your ongoing support. C seems to agree about the "stronger stuff" bit!
Kind regards,
Suzy xxx
positive thoughts
Date: 2009-02-09 12:16 am (UTC)Re: positive thoughts
Date: 2009-02-09 11:38 am (UTC)*hugs*
Suzy